New and/or Interesting Experiences

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby.

Catchy song, isn’t it? Unfortunately, as a new mom, that’s not always the first thing on my mind. I’ve found recently that attempting to have a healthy sex life now that we are living with a tiny human isn’t the cake walk I thought it was going to be. I will tell you, right from the get go there is NOTHING in this post that is “NSFW” or any details about my actual sex life. Just some funnies I thought other new moms could relate to or get a laugh out of.

Here are some of the funniest ways our child has stopped us from getting intimate in the last few months:

  • Crying
    Of course this is going to happen, as babies cry all the time, and this one isn’t particularly funny, but I had to get it out of the way. Because it happens. All the time. Usually at the most inconvenient times.
  • Babbling
    Once, after we put him down for the night, we cuddled up in bed for some ‘us’ time. It was the first time doing so after we had changed his bedtime routine and we had waited a week to make sure he settled into the routine. He had done well. That night, he didn’t. He woke up and started babbling to his mobile. We tried to ignore him, but the more we did the louder he seemed to babble. No joke.
  • Pooping
    We room shared with our son until he began sleeping through the night. He slept in a small bassinet next to our bed. He was pretty fast asleep, so we decided we would push our luck. Until we heard perhaps the loudest, wettest pooping sound we had ever heard from a human. By the time we were done cleaning our first (of many) explosive poops, we simply didn’t have the energy to finish what we’d started.
  • Smacking
    One particularly memorable evening, we had been out for a celebratory dinner of sorts. The baby was behaving, we had a great dinner, and the night was prime for fun later, after the baby went to sleep. We went home, and my husband sat the baby in his lap, supported by his knee, so he could read him a book. Mistake. Our son got really excited about the book. Lately, he’s in this new phase where he smacks things when he’s excited. He doesn’t understand he shouldn’t, but boy is it funny. Especially when he’s holding a hard plastic toy. Not that night. He whacked the family jewels. So hard, in fact, I had to take my son so my husband could get some ice. There would be no sex that night.
  • Illness
    My personal favorite, and I’m not saying that my son being sick was funny, or a good thing. It was inevitable, all babies get sick at some point, and he really wasn’t sick. He had a fever and a runny nose from his vaccines and the runny nose stuck around a few days. We put him in his crib, and he took the requisite few minutes to whine his way to sleep. Just after we got started, we suddenly heard this strange noise. It was coming from our son’s room, so we stopped what we were doing to check. He was snoring. Because his nose was clogged. After waking him and cleaning it out and soothing him back to sleep, neither of us had the energy to get back to it, but we were laughing too hard to do anything anyway. That kid snored louder than we do!

What about you guys? Any funny stories about your kid interrupting you? Please, if you share, keep it PG!

– Monster Mama

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