Top Ten

My Top 10 New Normal

As I’m relatively new to the mommy game, my life is still changing and evolving. I expected this, and some of these changes came naturally, but some were kind of a surprise. Most, however, I have found the comedy in. And I hope you do, too!

1. I wear my son’s drool. Really, it’s the new plaid. It’s in this season.

2. Lukewarm tea. I make myself a cup, but it’s almost never hot by the time I get back to it. And I have become okay with that.

3. Revolving clothing changes. While I am content to simmer in clothes covered by my son’s various bodily fluids, my child regularly changes clothes. Now I know why our families sent so many outfits when he was born!

4. I frequently have white dots on my clothes. It’s from my son’s spit up. We will call this the new polka dots. Refer back to #1.

5. Phone calls ending quickly in. “Crap. I gotta go!” Because nothing ends a phone call faster than your tiny human suddenly letting out an ear piercing wail. Even better is when you have no clue why they’re crying.

6. Fielding frequent requests for baby pictures. It appears I am not the only one who wants to stare at my son’s face ‘on the reg’. I feel like that phrase is out of date, but I’m okay with that. Moms do things like that, right? Use outdated catch phrases?

7. My new lullaby is the sound of silence. Or my son, sucking on his hands. Not his thumb, his whole hand. There’s also the frequent thudding sound he makes as he rotates himself clockwise around his crib. He’s doing leg lifts in his sleep – swimsuit season is upon us, and I’m certain he’s priming his abs to impress the ladies. Or maybe to impress the guys – we haven’t asked.

8. The ever-present comments from other parents who have “been there”. Because I wasn’t getting enough enjoyment out of my son’s newest accomplishments, these other parents are constantly waiting in the wings with advice and anecdotes that seemingly always begin with “Just wait until they can/do (insert new milestone here).”

9. Frequently being forgotten by family members. As an iPhone and other apple product user, I’m unashamed to say I frequently FaceTime with relatives and friends. Or, I should say, I dial FaceTime and my son interacts with my relatives and friends. I have become a mere afterthought.

And finally…

10. Diaper blowouts and explosive pooping. Everyone says your son will pee on you as if it’s one of the facts of life. This has yet to happen to me. However, my son takes every single opportunity he can to ensure that his poop gets all over me – whether it’s from a diaper blowout, me changing a poopy diaper, or him squirting me with poop while I am actively changing him. He always has a smile when he does this, too. Somehow, that makes it all better.

– Monster Mama

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